Always keep several get well cards on the mantle. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.
Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insulting cashiers, we call them convenience stores.
We're going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't know where or when. I think you could say the same thing about tornadoes.
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in.
How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words.
My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap?
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.
There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.
The president has said that inflation has been arrested. He should check . . . I think it's out on bail.
The next time you pay your property taxes, remember every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime.
You know times are tough when the school system is recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court.
Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other.
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
People with true character show it when nobody else is present.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
Gas now costs more than milk!
As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with.
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive gasoline....
You've got to spend money to lose money.
Hermits have no peer pressure
Never trust a story that has been told more than twice.
It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student.
A promise is a debt.
It is not the lofty sails but the unseen wind that moves the ship.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
Ditch the driving test for an I.Q. test.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.
Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insulting cashiers, we call them convenience stores.
We're going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't know where or when. I think you could say the same thing about tornadoes.
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in.
How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words.
My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap?
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.
There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.
The president has said that inflation has been arrested. He should check . . . I think it's out on bail.
The next time you pay your property taxes, remember every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime.
You know times are tough when the school system is recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court.
Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other.
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
People with true character show it when nobody else is present.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
Gas now costs more than milk!
As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with.
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
My country invaded Iraq, and all I got was this expensive gasoline....
You've got to spend money to lose money.
Hermits have no peer pressure
Never trust a story that has been told more than twice.
It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student.
A promise is a debt.
It is not the lofty sails but the unseen wind that moves the ship.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
Ditch the driving test for an I.Q. test.
